If You Want Something You’ve Never Had…

.. you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.

You’ve just got to.

This concept was already resonating for me this week. I talk a big talk about stepping out of your comfort zone. But when it comes to my turn to do it – it’s very much a struggle. And in the past I would change course. Move onto something else. WAY easier.

I’m not talking about my fear of open water or fear of public speaking (I’ve done and will continue to do both).. I’m talking bigger than that. I’m talking about plain ol’ vulnerability. FUCK. It’s really hard, you guys. Because the more determined I am to proceed with the things I’ve never done, the louder the fears are getting.. Like YELLING loud.. Do you ever get that…? Power to all of you making the decision to move forward because those shitty beliefs we can have of ourselves can be so mean and so debilitating…. but that doesn’t make them true. And we’re stronger than them.

Yesterday I was talking to someone I love and trust. I’ve known him my whole life. Some of his words cut right through me. This was not his intention nor is he aware. I sat with his words because I wanted to sort through why they hurt me so much. I left that conversation feeling as though (again) I wasn’t doing well enough. I wasn’t working hard enough. I wasn’t smart enough or knowledgeable enough. Did he say ANY of those things to me..? NO.

So what the hell…. what is happening with that inner dialogue… what filter do I have in place that so wildly distorted his words to me…? For almost 24 hours I felt horrible. Sick to my stomach with negative talk about how I’m just not good enough. 😦 That’s just not a good way to live.

Instead of reaching out right away to find validation, I really wanted to sit in this one. Because while validation can be helpful, it will simply mask why I was feeling so hurt in the first place. Did I not believe in what I was doing..? AM I littering my brain with messages about how what I AM doing doesn’t even matter…? AM I working as hard and smart as I can with where I’m at right now..? Could I do more…? Do I need to…? Yup. All those and more….. I was feeling pretty heavy today.

After much reflection, no dialogue with anyone else and some grounding practice (I worked with my mantra and I meditated), I realized that yes – I COULD work a little harder. I’ve had a lack of focus these last few weeks and I can dial that in. In addition to that, I AM happy with several of the changes I’ve made in my life. They aren’t visible to all but they’re visible to me. I have a game plan and I think that game plan still fits. At this stage in my life there are some challenges and I fully intend to overcome them. And because someone has a different way in mind for me to do that, it doesn’t mean it’s the right way for me. End of story.

Moments ago I sat overwhelmed in my kitchen and couldn’t help but cry. My son had no idea I was crying and had come to hug me and tell me he loves me. When he realized I had tears in my eyes he asked if I was okay. I told him that I would be but just not at this moment. We agreed that tidying up the kitchen would help. And so off he went to put the groceries away. He’s cleaning his room and listening to music now.

Two people very dear to me texted me about an hour ago as I had reached out to both of them curious about a couple things.. and sometimes, it seems, those people in your immediate circle know just what you need. Even if they don’t realize it.

One of the things I was curious about is something I had never thought of before. But I wanted to explore the idea.. looking for ways to better myself and my situation right now. Why? Because a value of mine is to practice what I preach.

And if I want something I’ve never had, I’ve got to do something I’ve never done.

Outta my way, world! I got up again – and I’m still smiling πŸ˜‰

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Thanks, T & T – xxx

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