SURRENDER (or try to)

I’m tired. Eyes half closed, sweater a little dirty but keeping me warm, hair a little messy, cold coffee, sore back, no longer faking surprise when ISF pops up at the cashier, interested more in my nap than feeding my family. The ‘no longer giving fucks out’ kind of tired. Know what I mean…? Anyone…?

I can’t be the only one that deals with this from time to time.

What to do…? Well, for starters quit denying it. That’s my first step.

Second step is to look at my tired. Feel the full weight of it in me and on me. Get good and close to it so that I understand and so that I can support myself. And then have words to use when I need the support of others. Which is sometimes the hardest part.

Damn it, I’M AN INDEPENDENT, CAPABLE WOMAN!! and I am. But I still need to connect to my people. Just knowing they’re there and support me is an amazing start. I know I can fall down, cry, express myself maniacally – which I have – and they won’t bat an eye.

Currently in my counselling course we students are counselling one another. I’m pretty sure I mentioned my dirty house to my student counsellor more than a few times this week. It is particularly my floor that frustrates me. Makes me sad. Because with 3 big dogs and 4 kids things get busy and dirty – quickly. I’ve taken to walking in the house with my shoes ON so that I don’t have to make my feet or socks dirty. Backwards? Yeah, maybe. But I’d rather spend time doing other things than cleaning the fucking floor… Blah.

What have I discovered though…? That I’m simply adding to my tired by creating the image of tired all around me. Meaning that I don’t care anymore and it shows. So… now what..

Well… I’ve given myself permission to let things go. Cool. But the fact is I DO care. I just don’t have the energy to do much about it. So where the hell do I start…

I started last nite. After a stellar counselling class/session, I poured myself a glass of wine, asked my daughter and my boyfriend (who were both working at the kitchen table) if either of them minded that I mop the floor… and without rushing myself I washed the damn floor. One thing to help myself feel better – and it worked!

In a way it was also quite symbolic. Rinsing off the old, the tired, the dirt and offering some tender loving care revealed to me that with some true attention even a floor cleans up nice.

Where I’m at in my life right now is awesome. And it is also super challenging and has been for a long time.

I think part of the issue is that I’m SO finished with the life I’ve created for myself.

I’m trying to get to where I want to be and I’m not even being where I am. I feel stuck and impatient and frustrated. I also feel sadness and anger and I know this comes from looking ahead as well not allowing myself to feel this way earlier. It’s all built up and it’s spilling over.

I think that at this point I’d like to simply surrender to the feelings I have right now instead of trying so hard to resist them. I know they’re not permanent – no feeling is – and so maybe they’ll move along at their pace if I just let them flow..

It’s been one hell of a ride so far with this 2017 and I have to say it’s widened my eyes and my heart and, given what I’m feeling right now, I’m guessing this is one of the most pivotal years of my life.

Maybe it’s time I just ‘let it happen’…. to quote a couple of my yogi pals 😉

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Thanks for ‘listening’.. xxx

 

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