Definition of accountability
: the quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions
- public officials lacking accountability
H A P P Y N E W Y E A R 2o18
With every new year (that I’m blessed to experience) comes thought. At least for me anyway. You..?
I’m not so much into resolutions however I DO love having this date to motivate me to make or break some habits. Habits that will make my life feel better. Habits that will eliminate the unwanted. Feelings, doings or otherwise…
One such habit of mine that I’d like to break is being so damn accommodating. I often disappoint myself with my inability to speak up for how I’m feeling. Or my inability to say no or that I don’t like something. Or to simply remove myself from that which isn’t serving me.
I use the word ‘inability’ however I’m aware that part of it is lack of practice and part of it is a lack of belief in myself. Believing that I’m worth the ground I stand on and the air I breathe in the first place.
So. The first order of business for me is to find ways to break this habit. I’m generally not a very direct human and I WILL run or shut down in the face of conflict/confrontation. Even the hint of it sends me into a panic and so what do I do..? I abort any thought or action of my own and do what I can to keep the peace. Whatever it takes. And then…? Yes. I feel invisible. Like I don’t even matter. Anything I was saying or doing or thinking gets put off – again – so that I could diffuse (in my mind) a land mine of bad feelings.
I know where this comes from and why it’s still here … and that’s another post another time. 😉
Now… here’s the best part… the accountability. I 100% recognize that I’m the one allowing this to take place. Regardless of how people are treating me. It is in my power to change the flow and I really think that I’m FINALLY ready to do that.
Interestingly, it is the people in my closest circle that I struggle the most with. The back handed comments, the flat out rudeness and lack of consideration, the absence and the silence… from people I have known well and for a long time. I understand I have a bell to un-ring with each of them. I understand that by my not speaking up for myself, they have learned how they can behave with me. AND since I engage with these people the most, the patterns are deeply set. This is not going to be easy… these patterns are as much mine as theirs. But it’s time.
I often wonder how life would be if we all felt a little more accountability for the energy we share. Feeling shitty….? Angry…? Sad…? Lonely…? By all means… share that shit. Get it out. Got some unresolved hurt…? Bitterness…? Find some help.
**Making shitty energy into a life song and thumping your drum to that beat will leave you dancing the same dance and feeling exactly the way you feel – indefinitely.
Be accountable for your own energy – your thoughts, your actions and sometimes…? the breakdown of a relationship.
Some things cannot be helped.. true… AND we can always choose how we respond to those things.
Today, January 1, 2o18 – I cannot decide how others behave, think or what they say… to me in particular… but I’m sure as hell going to work on how I respond.
Today, I am willing to make my relationship with myself more important than with anyone. And I’m willing to hold myself accountable for protecting it.
EEEEK! This is new turf for me… but I do love marching into the unknown so… off I go!