Dancing with Depression

First and foremost, I am not a doctor, psychiatrist or counsellor – but I’m pretty sure I dance with depression on the regular.

Secondly, I am {still} NOT looking for advice, suggestions or otherwise. I HAVE a doctor, a naturopath, an oncologist and a social circle of counsellors through my schooling. I AM grateful {as always} for the kind thoughts I do receive.

I am sharing in the hope that by using my ‘voice’, someone else doesn’t suffer in silence or solitude.

By all traditional markers, I am not clinically depressed but I do know I have many symptoms. Usually I can tell when it hits but this time I feel like it snuck up on me.

https://www.prevention.com/life/a20465433/surprising-depression-symptoms/

In my opinion, depression runs in my family and I’m pretty certain I’ve been around it a long time. Even presently.

Looking back, I’ve danced this dance awhile when my life seems to peak with stress and overwhelm. The signs for me are that I feel flat. Nothing seems to give me a jumpstart. I simply feel numb. I tend to ignore washing my face or cleaning my teeth at nite. I will go out in public with little to no effort about my appearance. I start spending more time away from my home. I don’t engage with my social circle. With exception to this particular bout, I drink a lot of wine and/or coffee. I’ve noticed this time that my patience on the road {driving} is shorter.

I have physical symptoms too – loss of hair, loss of energy, belly pain.

There are a LOT of things happening in my life right now..  this year.. the last several years, really.

I’ve expressed it before and I’m still in this space where I feel I am no longer enjoying my days. I am surviving them.

I cannot wait to get out of this hole I’ve dug for myself over the last two and a half decades.

Live in the present moment…? Yeah, you can fuck the present moment. It’s NOT where I want to live.

Being here has me wondering how long I’ve been doing this. I wonder about cycles of depression and issues with self worth and neglect.

Neglect looks like many things and I strongly suspect my feelings and hurts have been neglected a very long time. By my family, by myself.

You learn. You learn to cope and go through the motions and do what is expected of you until at forty eight years old {in my case}, you look up and wonder how the ‘hell did I get here???’ And how the fuck do I get out of here…..

I’m not super surprised that my health has been waving it’s red flag at me over the last few years. It’s about time. I’ve not been super mindful with my body or my mind or my heart and in truth I am ready for a change.

But I’m tired. I’m tired of a lot of things. Family drama. Financial stress. Caring for so many others. Managing a house by myself.

I’m even tired of taking care of myself as I have been the last 8 months.

To me this is all part of the dance. MY dance. It may not look this way for others.

What will I do…? The same as I always do. I’m just going to be here and observe. Feel. Or not feel as it seems to be for me right now.

I will keep surviving.. and when I’m ready to, I know I’ll find my enjoyment again not necessarily because I always do but because I trust the process of my life.

All dances end. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing.

Until next time…

xxx

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