A Gentle Rage

Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.

Conflicted. Conflicted. Conflicted.

Not sure what life is trying to tell me this year but one would think I’m just not getting it.
Over the course of the last month, the word ‘gentle’ has come to my mind. In that I need to be gentle with my body. With my heart.
I have stopped training, exercise, fitness of any sort. Just to let my body rest. And to be honest, I was fairly relieved to have a reason to let it go.
The results of some recent blood work revealed that there is no inflammation in my body. And so no solid reason for my joint pain which I am currently medicated for.
I instinctively wondered about my mind. My soul actually. And when I went to chat with my doctor, she was on the same train of thought.
I had already booked a Reiki treatment for myself with someone I trust.
My Reiki session was so impactful for me. I had a lot to process and was looking forward to my next session. Perhaps I was too distracted with thought of what came up in that session… I don’t know… but several hours later I ended up breaking a toe.
One. More. Thing.
I cried. And I cried.
It was ‘coincidental’ that I had been planning to start running again and was also talking to a friend about getting back to the gym. I miss moving my body.
So I’m angry. I’m very, very angry.
I find myself dangerously offensive on the road while driving. I’ve been lazier with my elimination diet and my supplements. Something I’ve been working hard at for months. I’ve been drinking more and more coffee and a little bit of alcohol. I feel ready to pick fights with my partner. I don’t feel a part of my body at all. I don’t even want to be. It just keeps letting me down and it’s wearing me out.
How can I be gentle with something I want to rage at??!
I’m trying to find ways to settle. Meditation is back in my life. Cleaning my house helps keep my mind clear. I’ve been making time to read. I bought a new bundle of sage to smudge my house.
The gentle in me wants to just rest. I crave quiet and stillness.
The rage in me wants to absolutely attack all the things coming at me!! And also anything else that isn’t travelling in my direction..
We are told to stop resisting.. to go with the flow… that it is our thoughts about something that make it what it is.
But I feel like I am not so much caught up in swimming upstream as I’m in the wrong damn pool of water and it’s time I got out because it’s killing me.
river blog
So, with that it would seem I have some changes to make. Today I can’t see clearly enough to figure out what they are but it would appear in my best interest to sort that out very soon.
How am I gonna figure it out…?
I’m going to continue to practice calm and gentle. With meditation. With music. With caring for my body. With boundaries. With speaking up. With getting some of this hurt and frustration OUT.
But you know what else…? I’m going to continue to rage. This is NOT how I want my life to continue and I’ll be damned if I’m going to passively sit in this water without fighting as hard as I can against anything and everything that pulls me away from the direction I want to go!
I think that sometimes in life we have to go and do or be some of the things that we DON’T want in order to get clearer on the things we DO want.
When I look at the beautiful souls in my life, I understand in my heart that I am okay. If these people are in my space, there is a reason for that.
It’s part of who I am as I see myself in each of them.
And while I don’t feel okay right now.. I know, like with anything… that feeling isn’t permanent.
Gently rage on, friends.
peace blog

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