One by one

It’s been awhile. Hello, blog land.

It’s been a challenging go, this life. This year. Ups, downs and the in betweens.

I find myself needing to shut things down to focus. I also find that holy shit we, as a society, live with SO many tabs open and when we think we’re one of the ones with fewer tabs – we’re not. It’s just become the norm. And from my view it’s made us so unhealthy. I feel like for me personally, I’ve lost touch with what’s necessary and what’s even real.

My health has me living with pain still. Mostly any time I’m still for too long. The challenge with that is I’m so tired and so all I want to do is BE still but it feels better to keep moving. Also, that way I won’t fall asleep. That’s my truth right now.

I’ve turned my interest to CBD oil and will start taking that today to see what, if any, help it can offer me for energy, immune system, my thyroid and pain relief. I’m optimistic and I will update.

My little family is also in the throws of trying to tidy up, purge, CLEAN and SELL our house! One cannot make a change without making a change and this one is a big one. This home is too large and too old and too expensive. It is also the home all of my children were raised in. My marital home. This will be a big change. But I feel so ready. Fingers crossed someone loves this space as much as I did!!

Taking care of myself this last little while has been a very yin/yang experience. I’m so tired and sore yet I need to be at work so that I can pay bills. I want to get back to some fitness but I’m too tired to do so. I really don’t want to stir the waters but at the time, I know it’s time I stood up for myself.

Which brings me to my most recent sadness – my mom. Over the last few years, she has been helping supplement my income so that I could stay in this house and my kids and myself (and my dogs) can continue to pay our bills and live comfortably. My mom also listens to my rants, my frustrations, my joy, my babbling…

My mom also criticizes me, puts me down, she gives me shit, is passive aggressive, compares me to my brother, she doesn’t come to visit me or my kids and she has only seen one of my 4 children in any activity they love. My oldest is 20.

In the past I’ve stood up for myself to my mom. It has never worked out. We usually stop talking and then at some point we start again only to repeat the cycle.

With this money situation and also because she doesn’t get out and do things and because of my health and also because she’s my mom – I’ve let her comments and inappropriate behaviour slide. But it was hurting me. I’ve cried many times hanging up the phone from my mom or leaving her after a visit.

So, in light of trying to get myself healthier, learning (still) to speak up for myself and wanting a different, more healthy relationship with my mom, I let her know she hurt me and that I can’t do that anymore. And though I was hopeful (really only about 40%), her reply was angry and hurtful. Her reply told me to move on.

And so it is that I’m trying to do.

It is September now. I love September and fall. So many things to enjoy about this season and that is also what I am trying to do.

As frightening and challenging and eye opening and fast, slow, sunny, dark as this year has been, I look forward to change. I really see how I’m the one responsible for change. I also see how faith and trust is important when wanting to make a change.

I got this. Each day. One by one.

I got this.


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